How the Phone Company Would Charge You For a Burger

        How the Phone Company Would Charge you for a Burger

              by Bob Izenberg (bei@dogface.austin.tx.us)

                Basic service (13 oz. hamburger patty)   3.75
                Utilities surcharge (gas and electric)    .21
                User selectable feature (catsup)          .10
                User selectable feature (pickles)         .10
                User selectable feature (bacon)           .25
                User selectable feature (cheese)          .10
                Cheese utilities surcharge                .15
                Processing fee, deletion of onions      10.00
                Additional materials (1 side wheat bun)   .95
                Additional materials (1 side wheat bun)   .95
                Thermal protection packaging              .45
                Counter space utilization charge         2.18
                Media delivery charge                    1.72
                ---------------------------------------------
                                                        20.91
                Sales tax                                1.46

Holiday Tackiness

My friend Tara once told me that her dad used to work for the company that makes the continuous-loop tape machines that they use in supermarkets. They don't just make the machines, but they also make the tapes, line up songwriters and singers and so on, I believe. For instance, remember, "Price Chopper... Price Chopper... Price Chopper RA-DI-OOOOOO!" That was one of theirs. Or if you've been to Tops lately; they made the tapes for Tops too.

At holiday time, she said her dad brought one of them home to play Christmas music, and hooked it up to the stereo. However, he just brought home the standard grocery store Christmas music tape, so every so often it would announce specials on meat, and would sing out the name of the local grocery chain (I think it was Bell's).

And at the time, Tara was working at Bell's, so she'd come home and it was just like work.

I read WiReD because...

It makes MTV look stodgy and serious.
It gives me a feeling of intellectual superiority - over the editors.
There wasn't enough hype on Entertainment Tonight.
I wanted to read about stupid things on USENET in a magazine, instead of reading them directly myself.
I wanted to humble myself before my friends who read People.
The new Communications of the ACM was too psychedelic.
MacWorld was too mentally taxing.
I'm afraid of the color weathermap in USA Today.

Daniel F. Boyd / boyd@csgeeks.org

Last modified: Thu Jan 19 01:47:47 1995